Wish Fulfillment

Here's a post from a frustrated submissive wanna-be:

I continue to stay shaved smooth in many places. I continue to offer Sarah all of the oral pleasure She can handle. I continue to try to be obedient. This, however, is difficult, as i am naturally rebellious and i need a strong woman to force me into line. Sarah still enjoys being penetrated by me, and i worry that She will not truly begin to feel Dominant as long as i'm allow inside Her and She remains unwilling to use a strap-on in me. I want to be Her male slave; i do not want to be Her man. Although She enjoys my penis and finds it to be quite satisfying, i want her to feel one attached to a man who will be a macho lover. That is not me. I am the one who can massage her, lick her, prep her, and clean her. I can put my head in the sling of a queening chair and please Her for hours. She deserves my complete submission, and my reduction in status to that of Her chattel slave, Her owned property. I think She deserves this, anyway, and it is certainly the sexual role for which i am hardwired as a human. I want for Her to have fabulous sex with a manly man while i wait for Her in my slave's cage. I want to hold and cuddle Her when he is gone. I want to make Her breakfast in the morning.

Here's my response:

I hope you keep posting. The struggle you describe is quite common. It seems to me that you can't force Sarah to be Dominant, however much you might want her to assume that role.

I think every man in your position has a choice: have the self-discipline to be submissive and obedient to a woman who does not fit your model of a Domme or continue to try to wheedle her into fulfilling your expectations of what a Domme should be. IMO the first approach is much harder but it is also a more authenic expression of your submissiveness than the latter approach.

For example, you just might have to express your submissiveness/obedience by giving up your wish to be penetrated and to stop penetrating her. Instead, you may have to focus on being a high-quality penetrative lover because that is what she wants.

Maybe over time and after you have demonstrated your true willingness to serve her in the fashion she wants she will be more willing to satisfy your kinks.

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My experience is that the farther one's submissive desires deviate from the nature and interests of one's partner the less satisfying the relationship. Submission requires attention to the interests and desires of one's partner and not trying to make one's partner into something she is not. That is hard and may result in what seems to be little more than a loving, vanilla relationship. Over time, however, she will become accustomed to your service and may come to understand how pushing your BDSM buttons can maintain those benefits for herself. You must prove the sincerity of your submission and your submission must deliver some real-life benefits to one's partner. She needs the love and leisure time to reflect on the erotic possibilities inherent in your service.

CUCKOLDING AND FEMALE-LED RELATIONSHIPS

The Power of Cuckolding

Cuckolding has a close and powerful association with female-led relationships. Cuckolding is, after all, a wife's assertion of her sexual freedom with partners other than her husband. (I'm using "wife" and "husband" to include non-married couples in committed relationships.) Her husband is aware of her sexual adventures but remains faithful to her, placing him in a subordinate position.

A whole literature has grown up around cuckolding. A central theme is the humiliation experienced by the cuckold. Cuckolds report that seeing their wives with their lovers sends them instantly into "subspace." There are many fictional or semi-fictional accounts of cuckolds serving drinks to their wife and her lover, providing oral service to the wife and/or wife's lover after they have completed their lovemaking, and so on. Often there is a rather distasteful racial component to cuckolding accounts, featuring well-endowed African-American "bulls," very white wives and wimpy cuckolds. The cuckolding literature seems unusually fevered, even by Internet standards.

Cuckolding clearly taps into primal emotions and fears that play well in Dominant/submissive settings. Yet, cuckolding in this traditional sense gets its power from outmoded patriarchal and racial stereotypes. The shame the cuckold feels, for example, is based on the notion that a strong man should not lose control of his property, namely, his wife. The shock of a married woman exploring her sexuality with other partners while her husband remains monogamous is because traditionally men were much freer to engage in extra-marital affairs than their wives. The trope of black bulls with superior cocks ravishing white women is straight out of the Bull Connor school of Southern erotic literature.

Female-led relationships upend these stereotypes and this begs the question--what role does cuckolding play in female-led relationships. I believe that in female-led relationships the female partner has the inherent authority to take on other lovers while her male partner remains pledged exclusively to her. While this is cuckolding as a technical matter, there can be far less humiliation and shame than with traditional cuckolding. This is because the notion of the woman as a free sexual creature is a given in female-led relationships. To put it another way, the cuckolded man in a female led relationship loses nothing because his female partner's fidelity was never his to own and control in the first place. Cuckolding thus need not be such a potent source of shame and humiliation.

This is not to say that cuckolding no longer poses emotional challenges in female led relationships. And this is not to say that couples may well chose to explore in word and deed the kinds of humiliation and transgressive eroticism associated with classical cuckoldry. But in female-led relationships cuckolding can also be expressed as a much less emotionally charged Monogamus/Polyamorous relationship, where the wife is polyamorous and her subordinate husband remains monogamous.

Cuckolding In Female-Led Relationships

Couples in female-led relationships have the freedom to find the most comfortable place for themselves on the spectrum that runs from the wild power of classical cuckolding to the less emotionally jarring Mono/Poly approach to no cuckolding at all. In a female-led relationship it is up to the wife to point the way to the most suitable place on that spectrum for the couple. For some couples, this might be a situation where the husband is held in long-term chastity, has limited access to his wife's body, and finds himself raising another man's child. For others, it may be enough for the wife to playfully note on occasion that she is free to "cheat" while her husband must remain faithful to her, even though the wife never moves beyond flirting with potential partners. Here are some cuckolding tips for males in female-led relationships to help them and their partners find the right place on that spectrum.

1. Cuckolding Is for Her

As reflected in the literature, all to often cuckolding is the product of male fantasy and the wife's interests and well-being are secondary, if considered at all. Many times it seems like the husband all but pimps his wife so he can reap the voyeuristic thrills of watching her be ravished by another man. Using emotional blackmail to force one's partner into sex is hardly the stuff of female-led relationships.

Instead, approach cuckolding slowly and gently. You must assume more chores and other responsibilities so she has the time and energy to even consider taking on other lovers. Commenting positively on her sensuality is important, as is stoking her erotic imagination by subtly encouraging to conjure up thoughts of other lovers.

Respect her decision if she chooses not to seek a lover (or three). Her life may be full enough right now and she might not wish to further complicate things with a new relationship. She also may not be convinced that you can handle the emotional challenges associated with being a cuckold. So, do what you can to make it possible for her to cuckold you, make known your wish that she consider exercising her right to take on other lovers and respect her decision whatever it is.

2. Be sure you are ready

Cuckolding changes everything about your relationship to your wife. Once a cuckold, always a cuckold. When she has crossed the threshold and no longer is your faithful wife you will have to deal with powerful feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. Consider carefully if you are ready to deal with these feelings before you encourage her to explore her erotic interests with other partners.

Cuckolding solidifies your subordinate position. She has substantial erotic prerogatives that you do not have. Cuckolding also forces you to face the fact that you don't satisfy all of her needs/desires. You must be prepared to acknowledge that her outside interest may be a better and more exciting lover and romantic partner than you. After all, you are the guy who folds her socks and he is the playmate with whom she can let off steam. Is your relationship strong enough that she will compartmentalize her love life and still invest time and energy into maintaining and strengthening your relationship. Are you an attractive enough person and lover so that she will want you to continue as her primary partner. There is inherent risk that cuckolding will result in her leaving you and you must fully understand and weigh that risk against the benefits of cuckolding.

So, imagine the strongest feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that you have felt with her. Multiply by 5. Can you handle it?

3. Support her in her journey

Cuckolding is scary for her too. She may have spent years out of the dating game and feel ill-equipped to navigate her way. She may be self-conscious about her body and looks and have doubts about her sexual attractiveness. She may fear rejection. It's nerve-wracking to start dating again.

What she doesn't need at this time is an emotionally demanding primary partner. You must do your best to deal with your fears on your own. Devote your energy to pumping up her ego and sense of sexual worth. Praise her beauty, compliment her on her loveliness, and let her know that you find her to be sexy and interesting.

Reassure her that you will continue to support her in her journey and make good on that promise. As she begins dating, you must be emotionally present, someone she can rely upon. Don't pull back emotionally or physically. She needs your support, especially if a lover dumps her or someone spurns her advances.

Do not get caught up in guessing games. If she makes passionate love with you right before or right after she visits a lover, don't torment her (or yourself) with questions such as "is she making love to me and using me as a surrogate for her lover." The truth is that women have ample reserves of erotic energy. Celebrate the generous share that she gives you rather than question its source.

4. Make it fun

Cuckoldry can be great fun. Get involved in grooming her for her dates. Trimming her pubic hair, for example, can be a very strong submissive experience when you know that in a few hours another man will be enjoying the scenery. Help her choose clothes. Better yet, go shopping with her for some sexy clothes that she can wear on dates. Get her an anklet that she can wear on her right ankle to signal that she is a hot wife. Bathe her and then rub her down with perfumed oils before her dates.

When she returns home, welcome her with open arms. Don't pry, but encourage her to describe her adventures. Hold and caress her, reassuring her that you love and support her and will always be there for her. In a wonderfully perverse way, cuckoldry can bring couples to a new level of intimacy.

5. Communicate

Cuckolding is a wonderful opportunity to deepen a female-led relationship. Use the process to share your deepest feelings of love. Be clear in your feelings but be sensitive and supportive of her always. Listen, share and learn. Most of all, follow her lead.

What's in Cuckolding for the Cuckold?

Despite its risks, cuckolding is a powerful way for the submissive man to deepen his submissiveness and strengthen his female-led relationship. Think of cuckolding as the flip side of chastity. Chastity involves holding back the man's erotic energy for the benefit of his Superior. Cuckolding involves freeing the female partner to expand her erotic life.

Chastity is more focused on the man--his cock, his orgasms, his need for release. His Superior certainly benefits from his chastity through improved service, but the man remains the central focus. Cuckolding, in contrast, empowers the woman. She has the power to choose whether and how to explore her erotic interests outside of her primary relationship. The cuckold is in much less control of the situation.

The loss of control inherent in cuckolding accounts for its transformative power for submissive men. It forces them to utilize deep reserves of trust and love to adjust to a subordinate position that may feel new and uncomfortable, at least at first. The cuckold must come face to face with a hard but strangely ennobling reality that his partner is in control of the situation. When cuckolding is added to a chastity regimen, the erotic foundation for a true female-led relationship has been laid.

It is very inspiring for a submissive man to have pledged himself to serve a sexually available and desirable woman. Isn't it an honor to serve a highly sexed woman? Isn't it a privilege that she continues to view you and your relationship as primary no matter how intense her outside affairs become.

Cuckolding is the black belt test of a female-led relationship.

A brief introduction. I'm a Chicago-based professional in my late 40s. I've been married for 15 years. My wife is tall and lovely. She has her own business and is successful in her field. We have a son. We're a pretty typical urban professional family.

I've been submissive to women for just about forever. As I've aged, my fantasies have shifted from the classic image of the whip-cracking dominatrix to serving the woman I love--my wife.

My submissive orientation was extremely disruptive of our marriage for many years as I tried to fit my wife into a dominatrix role that she was unwilling to perform. She wanted a husband and not a slave and she was (and is) not interested in inflicting pain on her husband.

Several years ago I started afresh and decided to be submissive to my wife and not the dominatrix image that I had been trying to impose upon her. I started by holding myself in "chastity," having orgasms only in her presence. I began doing more around the house and I stopped pressuring her to be kinky. I trained myself to be more adept in following her lead in both running the household and in the bedroom. I finally understood that she wanted me to anticipate her needs rather than wait for her "orders."

Over time we reached a mutually acceptable state that has the following characteristics:

Chores: I take responsibility for an increasing share of household chores in order to free up her time for leisure and work. This is mostly drudge work, but does include giving her weekly massages and regular rubdowns after her baths.

Chastity: No orgasms except for those she allows. No exceptions and no bulky chastity belts to keep me honest.

Cuckold: I am monogamous. She is free to explore her erotic interests with others, and does. This is a challenging and profoundly rewarding part of my service to her.

Communication: We talk less and say much more than we once did. Rather than try to define every aspect of our relationship using the BDSM vocabulary, I try to do my best to serve her quietly and effectively. She responds knowingly by pushing my erotic buttons via "treats." When we talk it is from a starting point of mutual appreciation and respect rather than from a "you don't meet my needs" spot.

There certainly are other defining characteristics of a female-led relationship that might join these "Four Cs," such as having the dominant woman take full control of the family finances or some public acknowledgment that the woman is the dominant partner. I would like to hear and share your thoughts on what characteristics best define a healthy female-led relationship.