Wish Fulfillment

Here's a post from a frustrated submissive wanna-be:

I continue to stay shaved smooth in many places. I continue to offer Sarah all of the oral pleasure She can handle. I continue to try to be obedient. This, however, is difficult, as i am naturally rebellious and i need a strong woman to force me into line. Sarah still enjoys being penetrated by me, and i worry that She will not truly begin to feel Dominant as long as i'm allow inside Her and She remains unwilling to use a strap-on in me. I want to be Her male slave; i do not want to be Her man. Although She enjoys my penis and finds it to be quite satisfying, i want her to feel one attached to a man who will be a macho lover. That is not me. I am the one who can massage her, lick her, prep her, and clean her. I can put my head in the sling of a queening chair and please Her for hours. She deserves my complete submission, and my reduction in status to that of Her chattel slave, Her owned property. I think She deserves this, anyway, and it is certainly the sexual role for which i am hardwired as a human. I want for Her to have fabulous sex with a manly man while i wait for Her in my slave's cage. I want to hold and cuddle Her when he is gone. I want to make Her breakfast in the morning.

Here's my response:

I hope you keep posting. The struggle you describe is quite common. It seems to me that you can't force Sarah to be Dominant, however much you might want her to assume that role.

I think every man in your position has a choice: have the self-discipline to be submissive and obedient to a woman who does not fit your model of a Domme or continue to try to wheedle her into fulfilling your expectations of what a Domme should be. IMO the first approach is much harder but it is also a more authenic expression of your submissiveness than the latter approach.

For example, you just might have to express your submissiveness/obedience by giving up your wish to be penetrated and to stop penetrating her. Instead, you may have to focus on being a high-quality penetrative lover because that is what she wants.

Maybe over time and after you have demonstrated your true willingness to serve her in the fashion she wants she will be more willing to satisfy your kinks.

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My experience is that the farther one's submissive desires deviate from the nature and interests of one's partner the less satisfying the relationship. Submission requires attention to the interests and desires of one's partner and not trying to make one's partner into something she is not. That is hard and may result in what seems to be little more than a loving, vanilla relationship. Over time, however, she will become accustomed to your service and may come to understand how pushing your BDSM buttons can maintain those benefits for herself. You must prove the sincerity of your submission and your submission must deliver some real-life benefits to one's partner. She needs the love and leisure time to reflect on the erotic possibilities inherent in your service.