Saturday, November 26, 2005

CUCKOLDING AND FEMALE-LED RELATIONSHIPS

The Power of Cuckolding

Cuckolding has a close and powerful association with female-led relationships. Cuckolding is, after all, a wife's assertion of her sexual freedom with partners other than her husband. (I'm using "wife" and "husband" to include non-married couples in committed relationships.) Her husband is aware of her sexual adventures but remains faithful to her, placing him in a subordinate position.

A whole literature has grown up around cuckolding. A central theme is the humiliation experienced by the cuckold. Cuckolds report that seeing their wives with their lovers sends them instantly into "subspace." There are many fictional or semi-fictional accounts of cuckolds serving drinks to their wife and her lover, providing oral service to the wife and/or wife's lover after they have completed their lovemaking, and so on. Often there is a rather distasteful racial component to cuckolding accounts, featuring well-endowed African-American "bulls," very white wives and wimpy cuckolds. The cuckolding literature seems unusually fevered, even by Internet standards.

Cuckolding clearly taps into primal emotions and fears that play well in Dominant/submissive settings. Yet, cuckolding in this traditional sense gets its power from outmoded patriarchal and racial stereotypes. The shame the cuckold feels, for example, is based on the notion that a strong man should not lose control of his property, namely, his wife. The shock of a married woman exploring her sexuality with other partners while her husband remains monogamous is because traditionally men were much freer to engage in extra-marital affairs than their wives. The trope of black bulls with superior cocks ravishing white women is straight out of the Bull Connor school of Southern erotic literature.

Female-led relationships upend these stereotypes and this begs the question--what role does cuckolding play in female-led relationships. I believe that in female-led relationships the female partner has the inherent authority to take on other lovers while her male partner remains pledged exclusively to her. While this is cuckolding as a technical matter, there can be far less humiliation and shame than with traditional cuckolding. This is because the notion of the woman as a free sexual creature is a given in female-led relationships. To put it another way, the cuckolded man in a female led relationship loses nothing because his female partner's fidelity was never his to own and control in the first place. Cuckolding thus need not be such a potent source of shame and humiliation.

This is not to say that cuckolding no longer poses emotional challenges in female led relationships. And this is not to say that couples may well chose to explore in word and deed the kinds of humiliation and transgressive eroticism associated with classical cuckoldry. But in female-led relationships cuckolding can also be expressed as a much less emotionally charged Monogamus/Polyamorous relationship, where the wife is polyamorous and her subordinate husband remains monogamous.

Cuckolding In Female-Led Relationships

Couples in female-led relationships have the freedom to find the most comfortable place for themselves on the spectrum that runs from the wild power of classical cuckolding to the less emotionally jarring Mono/Poly approach to no cuckolding at all. In a female-led relationship it is up to the wife to point the way to the most suitable place on that spectrum for the couple. For some couples, this might be a situation where the husband is held in long-term chastity, has limited access to his wife's body, and finds himself raising another man's child. For others, it may be enough for the wife to playfully note on occasion that she is free to "cheat" while her husband must remain faithful to her, even though the wife never moves beyond flirting with potential partners. Here are some cuckolding tips for males in female-led relationships to help them and their partners find the right place on that spectrum.

1. Cuckolding Is for Her

As reflected in the literature, all to often cuckolding is the product of male fantasy and the wife's interests and well-being are secondary, if considered at all. Many times it seems like the husband all but pimps his wife so he can reap the voyeuristic thrills of watching her be ravished by another man. Using emotional blackmail to force one's partner into sex is hardly the stuff of female-led relationships.

Instead, approach cuckolding slowly and gently. You must assume more chores and other responsibilities so she has the time and energy to even consider taking on other lovers. Commenting positively on her sensuality is important, as is stoking her erotic imagination by subtly encouraging to conjure up thoughts of other lovers.

Respect her decision if she chooses not to seek a lover (or three). Her life may be full enough right now and she might not wish to further complicate things with a new relationship. She also may not be convinced that you can handle the emotional challenges associated with being a cuckold. So, do what you can to make it possible for her to cuckold you, make known your wish that she consider exercising her right to take on other lovers and respect her decision whatever it is.

2. Be sure you are ready

Cuckolding changes everything about your relationship to your wife. Once a cuckold, always a cuckold. When she has crossed the threshold and no longer is your faithful wife you will have to deal with powerful feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. Consider carefully if you are ready to deal with these feelings before you encourage her to explore her erotic interests with other partners.

Cuckolding solidifies your subordinate position. She has substantial erotic prerogatives that you do not have. Cuckolding also forces you to face the fact that you don't satisfy all of her needs/desires. You must be prepared to acknowledge that her outside interest may be a better and more exciting lover and romantic partner than you. After all, you are the guy who folds her socks and he is the playmate with whom she can let off steam. Is your relationship strong enough that she will compartmentalize her love life and still invest time and energy into maintaining and strengthening your relationship. Are you an attractive enough person and lover so that she will want you to continue as her primary partner. There is inherent risk that cuckolding will result in her leaving you and you must fully understand and weigh that risk against the benefits of cuckolding.

So, imagine the strongest feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that you have felt with her. Multiply by 5. Can you handle it?

3. Support her in her journey

Cuckolding is scary for her too. She may have spent years out of the dating game and feel ill-equipped to navigate her way. She may be self-conscious about her body and looks and have doubts about her sexual attractiveness. She may fear rejection. It's nerve-wracking to start dating again.

What she doesn't need at this time is an emotionally demanding primary partner. You must do your best to deal with your fears on your own. Devote your energy to pumping up her ego and sense of sexual worth. Praise her beauty, compliment her on her loveliness, and let her know that you find her to be sexy and interesting.

Reassure her that you will continue to support her in her journey and make good on that promise. As she begins dating, you must be emotionally present, someone she can rely upon. Don't pull back emotionally or physically. She needs your support, especially if a lover dumps her or someone spurns her advances.

Do not get caught up in guessing games. If she makes passionate love with you right before or right after she visits a lover, don't torment her (or yourself) with questions such as "is she making love to me and using me as a surrogate for her lover." The truth is that women have ample reserves of erotic energy. Celebrate the generous share that she gives you rather than question its source.

4. Make it fun

Cuckoldry can be great fun. Get involved in grooming her for her dates. Trimming her pubic hair, for example, can be a very strong submissive experience when you know that in a few hours another man will be enjoying the scenery. Help her choose clothes. Better yet, go shopping with her for some sexy clothes that she can wear on dates. Get her an anklet that she can wear on her right ankle to signal that she is a hot wife. Bathe her and then rub her down with perfumed oils before her dates.

When she returns home, welcome her with open arms. Don't pry, but encourage her to describe her adventures. Hold and caress her, reassuring her that you love and support her and will always be there for her. In a wonderfully perverse way, cuckoldry can bring couples to a new level of intimacy.

5. Communicate

Cuckolding is a wonderful opportunity to deepen a female-led relationship. Use the process to share your deepest feelings of love. Be clear in your feelings but be sensitive and supportive of her always. Listen, share and learn. Most of all, follow her lead.

What's in Cuckolding for the Cuckold?

Despite its risks, cuckolding is a powerful way for the submissive man to deepen his submissiveness and strengthen his female-led relationship. Think of cuckolding as the flip side of chastity. Chastity involves holding back the man's erotic energy for the benefit of his Superior. Cuckolding involves freeing the female partner to expand her erotic life.

Chastity is more focused on the man--his cock, his orgasms, his need for release. His Superior certainly benefits from his chastity through improved service, but the man remains the central focus. Cuckolding, in contrast, empowers the woman. She has the power to choose whether and how to explore her erotic interests outside of her primary relationship. The cuckold is in much less control of the situation.

The loss of control inherent in cuckolding accounts for its transformative power for submissive men. It forces them to utilize deep reserves of trust and love to adjust to a subordinate position that may feel new and uncomfortable, at least at first. The cuckold must come face to face with a hard but strangely ennobling reality that his partner is in control of the situation. When cuckolding is added to a chastity regimen, the erotic foundation for a true female-led relationship has been laid.

It is very inspiring for a submissive man to have pledged himself to serve a sexually available and desirable woman. Isn't it an honor to serve a highly sexed woman? Isn't it a privilege that she continues to view you and your relationship as primary no matter how intense her outside affairs become.

Cuckolding is the black belt test of a female-led relationship.

26 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, don't mind my "sdf" anonymous post there, sorry I was just testing.

This is an excellent and very thoughtful post about cuckoldry. I DREAM of having a husband like you some day. Monogamy has always been a thorn in my side, and I find it likely that it will never be a viable option for me. I have tried open relationships but find that I am always better at it than my partner. Men in particular seem to have a hard time drawing the line, knowing what's appropriate or avoiding competitiveness since I'm usually the one who ends up finding it easier to meet partners :)

Cuckoldry is one of the few and very exciting options for a person like me. I dream of meeting a man who wants to commit himself to being my cuckold, and ideally, finds it to be as erotically fueling as it is challenging.


-Sewblue

3:07 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

Hi TCS, this is great post. Well thought out, well presented, and a passionate expression of yor beliefs.

If I was not so strong in my belief that cuckoldry is mostly unwarranted/unexcuseable from a moral standpoint and often ruinous to a marriage, I would now be a TOTAL proponent of it. You are that persuasive. Nice writing!

You are the first person I have ever seen besides me to make the point of, Why would a sub who is TRUELY self-actualized as such be emabarassed/ashamed/humiliated by cuckolding? You state it perfectly that her sexuality was never his to control anyhow(I might add this is true in a vanilla marriage-men who think they control their wife are usually very deluded! LOL).

FWIW I would have less trouble with it if there was a way to unvow the vows most people took to fidelity when they wed.

Like Elise says, its dynamite, and even I concede sometimes dynamite is what is needed. I think in most applications I have read in Elise and here on blogs it just comes across to me as cruel and indulgent behavior engaged in just because a person has unlimited power over another. To me that is dark side of human nature I find repulsive and shallow. I Also concede that for some that cruelty is what maeks it work for both spouses. To each her own....

I do concede It seems to work great for some quality guys like you and Wayne, more power to you for being able to handle it and to the great Ladies who use it wisely on you all. Again great post. just being my contrarian self.



One question if I might. Do you guys believe your son should grow up and have an LFA marriage and be cuckold husband? Will you be unhappy for him if he is not? Or if his dream lady does not want LFA? What would/will you do if your son was that rara avis, a true naturally dominant male?

8:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i was a cuckold foe 8 glorious years, it was the real me, the sheer thrill of getting my Mistress ready to go out with Her Boyfriend was a sheer joy, it made my heart race faster, sometimes She had me tied up in a cupboard waiting for Her return, sometimes standing "tied" in the garden, and on a couple of occasions i was permitted to watch my Mistress and Her Lover making love. if only i could find another true Mistress.nancyboy100@hotmail.com

7:54 AM  
Blogger Gruffalo said...

So here's a dissenting opinion. If a couple in an FLR agrees that madame can screw around, but monsieur can't, then that's their business. Stranger things have happened, it takes all kinds to make a world, and who am I to cast the first stone.

But on what basis are we to assume in general terms that in a female-led relationship the wife has an inherent right to fuck around, while the husband does not? Just because it's an FLR? Then an FLR is the same kind of nasty, unfair, sexist arrangement as the patriarchal marriage in which the husband feels free to screw around while the fidelity of the wife is sacrosanct.

That's a sad conclusion, because I like to think that a dominant wife can treat her husband lovingly and fairly.

Guys, if this is how you want to conduct your marriages, then go ahead. Just don't try to translate your lifestyle into some kind of philosophy. It doesn't hold a drop of water.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Marcgrec said...

Well thought out article, as a cuckold myself I can confirm that our marriage has reached new heights and we get closer everyday

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehehehe..oh god.What the fuck is wrong is wrong western women ?

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every single one of them are feminist whores. That's what's wrong with them.

11:52 PM  
Anonymous Gary said...

Excellent and sensitive comments Tom. However, as a submissive husband accepts and compitulates to the cuckold lifestyle, that bulge in his trousers is at first a bit confusing. What's the source?I've identified one strong aspect:emotional masochism. To think that my wife, my lover, the mother of my children, would consider her needs to be more important than my emotional pain.! Eventually realizing, much to my chagrin..she's right!

12:27 AM  
Blogger makemewatch said...

Am I a Cuckold? I truly feel inferior to well-endowed men. I feel that I am robbing my woman of pleasure since I am very poorly endowed. I feel that as punishment for being so small a guy in both respects that i should have to be humiliated by being made to watch a big strong well-endowed man pleasure her like i could never do. I want to have to serve this man on my knees in any way he desires. i want to be verbally taunted by both. i want his huge penis to be the reason I am on my knees. i want to have to lubricate him with my tongue in order to prepare her for the immense size difference. I want to especially be forced to be at his feet and often physically slapped and made to sometimes only smell his feet while he taunts me in front of my woman while she laughs and gets wet the more this beautifully hung man makes me tell him how jealous of his penis I am and that I will be on my knees watching him make my woman react in ways that defy reality only to have them alternate in taking turns shoving him in my mouth to swallow him after he showed me what a real man does to a woman. I want to have to kneel at the foot of my own bed and lick his soles while my woman tells me just how much better he makes her feel and that is where I belong. Am I a cuckold or just infatuated with a big penis and the man that has one that i want to constantly punished and reminded that I will never have the power of being well endowed? I want my wife to be so much more pleased by this man that she is so bent on making me pay for having such a little penis. She would get so drunky off seeing me humiliated by hung men in my own house that she would make it a point to have me kneel and serve any well-endowed man that she chose. I do not want any race issues present. I actually am hispanic but want a white man to assume this role. My woman and I are convinced that white men are actually the most well endowed contrary to popular opinion. My woman is more attracted to well endowed white men than any other. I just cannot explain how this whole idea of having to service a strong well endowed man who can please my woman by simply slapping me and making me grovel and smell his feet because he knows that he could take whatever he wanted from me with his physical strength let alone my own submission to him because of my total jealousy of his endowment. I feel that a woman deserves the pleasure of a strong well endowed man, and since I am not nor ever will be such, I should be totally humiliated every day to show that size matters so much more than one could possibly fathom and that being born strong and well endowed is such a special thing that those who are should be worshipped and served by the little men who know that its just a simple physiological fact of life that cannot be denied...that a bigger penis will always have the capacity to produce more pleasure than a small penis and furthermore that a big penis will always be more visually stimulating than a little small penis. Its just the nature of the universe and always has been.

Seriously though. Am I just very disturbed or is there any merit to my line of reasoning? I have, since i can remember, always felt inferior to those with big penises. I used to hear girls, such as sisters, friends, and girlfriends all say that the difference between a well endowed man and a small man is so vast both physically and mentally. i have never heard a woman say that she prefered a small penis or that the small penis pleasured her more than the big penis did.

Yes I am very jealous and have a very low self esteem, but the stimulation that I get from placing myself in the position of servitude and humiliation to well endowed men totally makes me appreciate that I am a little man with a small penis. I love being who i am. I would much rather have to be humiliated and serve than to be the man in control!

Help me to understand this!

8:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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3:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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1:07 PM  
Anonymous JW said...

Cuckolding is a disgusting practice that is designed to let the woman "cheat" without consequences! I am engaged to be married to a woman, and we have agreed it will be a FLR! However, we have a specific clause in our contract that she will not cuckold me! If she ever does, I will head to the divorce attorney's office the next day! If a woman is going to engage in extramarital sex why not just get a divorce? If a man needs his wife to engage in this activity, then he needs a shrink, and not some "bull" dictating to him what he will or will not do to HIS wife! While I am on the "bull" topic, that is a term I find disgusting! As a black man it is demeaning!
It will be an absolute "cold day in hell" brfore I would ever accept that activity in my upcoming marriange! The very idea of a man (me) watching my wife have sex with another man, and then performing "clean up" duty sends me into "outer space" and not "subspace!" It would be enough to make me get my trusty 9mm and dispatch the SOB into permanent "subspace!"
Now that said, I want to know how the wife really feels about having sex with a man not her husband while she is married! It seems all of the cuckolding writings are centered around the male's perspective. Obviously she enjoys the sexual feeling of fucking another guy, but what about her emotional well being, or lack of? How does the cuckolding experience REALLY enhance her marriage for after all she is a married person! She willfully pledged her love and fidelity to her husband when they were married! What becomes of that? Years later were those mere words said long ago and far away, or do those words still mean something?
Obviously I am not in favor of the practice of cuckolding as a means of "furthering my submission" to my soon to be wife! There are many other ways to further my submission to her! BTW, has anyone done any studies on how many marriages survive cuckolding?

9:36 PM  
Blogger jacie said...

This an excellent description and discourse on being a cuck. It is unquestionly the Woman's right to have as many lovers, men or Women as she desires. It is the sub cuck's duty and obligation to be happy for hsi Mistress and to assist Her in any way She wants, even sucking Her lover's penis his residue left in Her vagina. i just wish i had such a relationship. jay

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I derive tremendous fulfillment from being cuckolded ; I've had numerous relationships with dominant women , many of whom eagerly frustrated and humiliated me when they learned of my submissive tendencies. One scenario I've enjoyed
is cleaning my domme's home right before her date comes over to have sex with her. From there , it progressed to the guy bringing his laundry over for me to do while they were intimate.
My biggest turn on by far is to be made to service my domme's boyfriend orally ; one woman I was seeing liked for to worship and pamper her and her boyfriends' feet. They would make out and cuddle on her couch while I gave them both a long , leisurely foot massage. Then she would have me lie on my back so they could use my face as a footrest. While they watched a movie or listened to music , I'd spend literally hours licking and kissing the soles of their feet and sucking on their toes. During the four years I was involved with her , I licked just almost every guy's feet that she dated ; if she brought up the subject to a recent romantic interest of hers and he didn't want to try it , she'd usually go looking for a different guy. Although most of them had never had their feet licked before , they became accustomed to having me make love to their feet whenever they visited her. One guy liked me to lick his feet while he was fucking her ; he also liked having me lick his asshole while they made love. His climax was incredibly powerful when he came inside her with my tongue up his butt ; I could feel every wave of his orgasm as his butthole clenched my tongue repeatedly during his climax.

12:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the concept of a FLR, and believe a woman owns her own body, I don't. The big issue I have with most of the literature, is that I am less of a person, and the fact my wife, lover, soul mate, thinks that.

The women who buy into the fendom role, are support the pathetic idea that men are superior to women, they simply want to win a battle.

i am in a wonderful relationship. She leads. She has sex with others, I don't. Her lovers are something she enjoys, not something to humiliate me with. We have a great sex life, and she meets all of my needs. she does not think less of me, she loves and respects me. She contributes her strengths to our relationship, and I contribute mine.

I think to position these relationships as needing to belittle the male, is supporting the traditional male domination that has sadly dominated most of our history.



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Anonymous newcuckold josh said...

Hi i am new to this whole cuckold thing. For about a year now i have been fantasizing about being humiliated by my girlfriend. I have problems getting and keeping erections and when i do have them i dont last long during sex. At times she seems dissatisfied. I then started fantasizing about her having sex with other men while i'm at work and things of that nature. When I think of stuff like this I begin to get really aroused and turned on. The thought of her being a sneaky slut gets me horny way more than us just having sex. I think of her giving blowjobs and getting pounded hard by other men. But the thought of her making me suck her toes or lick her asshole and pussy turns me on just treating me like a slave. Now the problem i have is i want to be a cuckold but i dont want any of my friends or family knowing what we are doing. I am in my early 20's and i am known by alot of people in my local area. So i kinda have a reputation to uphold and the city we live in is small, so i'm scared if i let her have sex with other men somebody we know will find out and I will be embarrassed. Any suggestions?

10:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wish I could find texts written by women about these subjects. All I find is mostly male fantasy. And they very rarely correspond with what I know of women that take their lead role naturally in relation ship.

Not one of them... that i know... would stand man in maid's costume. As so many seem to fantasize. And toe sucking and all that... Dominatrix led relationship we are talking about?

I know women that view men's worth, if man is not absolute alpha himself, in service they provide. Does man take care of her children and/or pets when she wishes does he clean the house.

These women that value men for their usefulness are often demanding in sex department as well. And they might cheat on their men as well, while he is home taking care of her children and she is out having fun.

But it ends when man finds out as he doesn't approve or woman finds someone that fucks better and kicks out the old one.

All women like this that I know change partner quite often. Well naturally I might not know about those couples that keep it quiet... And live in relationship with cuckolding under female lead.

But to put my long rambling to an end. I wish I would find somewhere account from one of these "cold bitches" that view men as commodity. And how or why they ended up keeping a cuckold as primary partner instead of changing to better one.

2:24 AM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Great insight about cuckolding, how can I contact you?

10:23 PM  

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