ACCEPTANCE: THE HARDEST SKILL TO LEARN

Submissive men in female-led relationships are charged with learning many skills. They must capably perform household chores and other tasks that assist their partner and free up leisure time for her. They must develop massage, pedicure and other personal services of a more intimate nature. Learning and performing these skills are challenging. Most challenging for a submissive to learn, however, is the skill of acceptance.

Acceptance of Lack of Shared Fantasies

Most men start down the path of submission with a boatload of unrealistic and barely understood expectations about a female-led relationship. Their fantasies tend towards female Nazi camp commandants and bitchy domestic vixens in high heels and lingerie who whip them steadily as they clean floors with a toothbrush.

These fantasies are typically far from the domestic reality that is driven by demands of work, family and community. Rare indeed is the woman who cares to cater to these pre-packaged BDSM fantasies on a 24/7 basis.

The first form of acceptance for submissive men is to accept that your partner does not share your fantasy set. Women have their own set of fantasies and these may only occasionally align with those of their male submissive partners. When a male submissive attempts to superimpose an overheated fantasy set on his partner, their partner is likely to respond with resentment and revulsion that will make it more difficult to have a satisfying female-led relationship over the long haul.

This does not mean that submissives should try repress their fantasies. Rather, the submissive must accept fantasies for the pleasant and largely private inspirations that they are. In his interactions with his partner the submissive must put aside those fantasies and deal with their partner on her terms. She may prefer cuddling to the crop, romance to the rack, and so on. It may be important to her that you drop a slavish demeanor that leaves her cold. Accept her fantasies and desires as the basis for your relationship. Dip into your storehouse of fantasies selectively and lightly. Who knows, if you are subtle and lucky you might kindle a powerful shared fantasy that has pleasant real-life results.

2. Acceptance of Subordinate Position

Another tough lesson for the submissive is to truly accept one's subordinate position. In the realm of fantasy it makes such good emotional and erotic sense to be subservient. Real life, however, is tougher because one's ego is involved.

In every female-led relationship there are markers and reminders that the male fills the subordinate role. This may come when she make final decisions at odds with your recommendation or at social gatherings where she fails to introduce you but expects you to accompany her quietly. It be in a slightly sharper tone of voice when she "asks" you to do a task. Such gestures of dominance are often not warm and fuzzy. They can be somewhat shocking to a sensitive male ego used to the prerogatives and expectation sof manhood.

Yet, a male submissive must accept these gestures of dominance. Male submissives must continually remind themselves that their partners use these gestures--consciously or subconsciously--to mark out their dominance. These gestures strengthen the female-led dynamic and submissives should accept them as such.

3. Acceptance of Limits Inherent in Submissiveness

The submissive must also accept that despite their best efforts they will not fulfill all of their partner's needs and desires. After all, only an equal (or superior) logically is capable of fulfilling the emotional/erotic needs of another. The price submissives pay for the erotic charge from their submissiveness is the knowledge that they cannot possibly fulfill all of their partner's needs. The dominant/submissive dynamic, in other words is both limiting as it hopefully is liberating.

Submissives must accept these limits and support, even encourage, their partners to find erotic and emotional succor outside of their relationship. The female half of a female-led relationship may want some relief from playing the role of a Domme, just as surely as male submissives welcome a domestic alternative to their "top dog" status at work or in the community. She may want to be tied up and ravished, or treated as an equal rather than a goddess just for the change of pace.

A male submissive must accept that their very submissiveness is what may drive their partner to reach out to find emotional and erotic fulfillment in other relationships. Those submissives who are female supremacists and believe that women are inherently capable of a richer range of relationships than men may find this easier. In any event, the submissive must accept his partner's relationships with others. This is emotionally risky and very difficult, but it must be done.

4. Acceptance of Self

The starting (and ending) point of the discipline of acceptance is for the submissive to accept their orientation as a submissive. It is possible that some people are genetically predisposed to submissiveness. At a minimum, submissiveness likely stems from emotional and physical experiences that feel as profound as genetic imprinting.

A positive strategy for the submissive is to simply accept that one is submissive and focus on the quality of one's behavior. In other words, rather than waste time on pondering why one is submissive one should ask if one's behavior with self, partner and others is ethically sound and healthy. Am I communicating with my partner? Is my work good? Do my attempts to realize my fantasies lead me to unsafe behaviors? Am I really listening to what my partner is attempting to communicate? Questions like these are performance standards applicable to all people.

Once one's life is in some semblance of order it is possible to ask the question "why am I submissive." Each person's answer will be different. If that question is asked and answered within a framework of acceptance, however, we can be more assured that the answer will help us grow as human beings and not scare us to death.