Male Submissive's Perspective

CHASTITY--THE KEY TO A FEMALE-LED RELATIONSHIP

2006-01-14T20:42:00.000-06:00

It is a commonplace observation that men tend to be sexually wanton. Left to their own devices men will opt for multiple partners, spreading their "seed" as widely as possible. Sex is quick, often brutal, and focused on a single goal--ejaculation.

Male erotic imagination is similar, flitting from image to image as hand pumps penis in an masturbatory frenzy. Quantity not quality is paramount.

Ejaculation leaves men depleted and often out of sorts. They lose their focus on their partner or the image that prompted their masturbatory fantasy. The biological and emotional signals seem to be for the male to leave and begin searching for his next sex partner. No wonder women are so often dissatisfied with their male partners.

Female-led relationships require the male to overcome this biological predisposition and the cultural conditioning that reenforces it. Female-led relationships require the male to find ultimate pleasure in his partner's pleasure, rather than the subordinating her pleasure to his own. This reorientation is a profound challenge for a male, one that no doubt accounts for the low (but growing) percentage of female-led relationships.

A program of chastity is the best way for men to reorient themselves so they are suitable for a female-led relationship. By chastity I mean that the male in a relationship does not have an orgasm unless it is in the presence and with the permission of his partner. This definition of chastity also includes celibacy, the practice of a man outside a relationship to abstain from sex, including masturbation.

Some men and their partners prefer that the man maintain chastity through self-discipline. Some men use chastity belts to enforce their chastity. There is no one right way to practice chastity, but most agree that a man who practices chastity is expressing profound respect for their partner and women generally. Many speak of their chastity as being a gift of their sex and their sexual energy to their female superior and the superior sex of which she is a part.

For a man who is used to multiple partners or, more typically, unrestricted masturbation, chastity is a profound challenge. Yet, chastity is a challenge well worth undertaking because it can help lead to a transformation of a man's relationship with his partner. Almost every account of a chastity regimen notes that the man becomes much more attentive to the needs of his partner, serving her better both sexually and in a myriad of other ways that are pleasing to her. The many religious traditions that use chastity/abstenince as a key element of their spiritual practice and service orientation are on to something.

Chastity can be a self-generated program. Perhaps a female-led relationship is just the stuff of your erotic imagination and your partner is either ignorant of the fantasy or turned off by the idea. Resolve to restrict your orgasms to situations where you have first given her ample sexual pleasure. Begin by expressing to her your great desire for an orgasm before you have one. Over time begin to ask her for permission. If you are patient and not pushy, she might come to trust you and understand the link between your good behavior and orgasm restrictions. That understanding is often the key that unlocks the door to a female-led relationship.

A male between relationships can also benefit from a chastity regimen. Set ever increasing periods between your orgasms and feel the energy that suffuses your body when you store up erotic energy. Use that energy to make yourself a more attractive potential partner for women oriented towards female-led relationships. A single man with ample stored up erotic energy will project that energy in a desirable way if he is subtle and attentive to the needs of potential partners rather than a testosterone soaked bore.

Men without partners who want or need the assurance of a chastity belt can utilize key-holding services, women who literally hold the key to their chastity devices. If you do masturbate, practice masturbating to the edge of orgasm and then stop. Do so over a course of days or weeks before you allow yourself an orgasm. This will be good practice for effectively serving a woman with your penis when you have your next relationship. When you do have an orgasm through masturbation, set the mental scene with female-led imagery and prolong the buildup to ejaculation, imagining that you are providing sexual service to an insatiable partner.

Chastity also may be demanded by certain women who are confident in their leadership role. One Domme describes her approach to chastity as follows:

I doubt I will ever have "traditional" intercourse with a male submissive again. I want/need to feel the "rush" of being with a man who understands Me as a Woman. Every submissive male I've been with has been a substandard lover. Therefore, chastity is simply a state of being for a male submissive in My world these days. Releases are few and far between (unless I give permission for self-pleasure) since, again from My POV, bringing a submissive male to climax is too much effort for too little payoff.

Of course, in some female-led relationships the male may be asked to provide sexual service with his penis while foregoing his own orgasms, a profound mental and physical challenge. Other female-led relationships will be oriented so the chastised male will provide sexual service in every way except by using his penis. Cuckolding is often incorporated so the female gets to enjoy both the subtle ministrations of her submissive and the cock-driven pleasures from her lover.

Once the relationship has reached these advanced stages, it is for the female partner to decide how best to weave chastity into the relationship. What is important to understand, however, is that chastity is one great way for submissive men to feel and express their submissiveness regardless of whether their relationship, if any, is currently female-led.

2005-12-24T01:34:00.000-06:00

ACCEPTANCE: THE HARDEST SKILL TO LEARN

Submissive men in female-led relationships are charged with learning many skills. They must capably perform household chores and other tasks that assist their partner and free up leisure time for her. They must develop massage, pedicure and other personal services of a more intimate nature. Learning and performing these skills are challenging. Most challenging for a submissive to learn, however, is the skill of acceptance.

Acceptance of Lack of Shared Fantasies

Most men start down the path of submission with a boatload of unrealistic and barely understood expectations about a female-led relationship. Their fantasies tend towards female Nazi camp commandants and bitchy domestic vixens in high heels and lingerie who whip them steadily as they clean floors with a toothbrush.

These fantasies are typically far from the domestic reality that is driven by demands of work, family and community. Rare indeed is the woman who cares to cater to these pre-packaged BDSM fantasies on a 24/7 basis.

The first form of acceptance for submissive men is to accept that your partner does not share your fantasy set. Women have their own set of fantasies and these may only occasionally align with those of their male submissive partners. When a male submissive attempts to superimpose an overheated fantasy set on his partner, their partner is likely to respond with resentment and revulsion that will make it more difficult to have a satisfying female-led relationship over the long haul.

This does not mean that submissives should try repress their fantasies. Rather, the submissive must accept fantasies for the pleasant and largely private inspirations that they are. In his interactions with his partner the submissive must put aside those fantasies and deal with their partner on her terms. She may prefer cuddling to the crop, romance to the rack, and so on. It may be important to her that you drop a slavish demeanor that leaves her cold. Accept her fantasies and desires as the basis for your relationship. Dip into your storehouse of fantasies selectively and lightly. Who knows, if you are subtle and lucky you might kindle a powerful shared fantasy that has pleasant real-life results.

2. Acceptance of Subordinate Position

Another tough lesson for the submissive is to truly accept one's subordinate position. In the realm of fantasy it makes such good emotional and erotic sense to be subservient. Real life, however, is tougher because one's ego is involved.

In every female-led relationship there are markers and reminders that the male fills the subordinate role. This may come when she make final decisions at odds with your recommendation or at social gatherings where she fails to introduce you but expects you to accompany her quietly. It be in a slightly sharper tone of voice when she "asks" you to do a task. Such gestures of dominance are often not warm and fuzzy. They can be somewhat shocking to a sensitive male ego used to the prerogatives and expectation sof manhood.

Yet, a male submissive must accept these gestures of dominance. Male submissives must continually remind themselves that their partners use these gestures--consciously or subconsciously--to mark out their dominance. These gestures strengthen the female-led dynamic and submissives should accept them as such.

3. Acceptance of Limits Inherent in Submissiveness

The submissive must also accept that despite their best efforts they will not fulfill all of their partner's needs and desires. After all, only an equal (or superior) logically is capable of fulfilling the emotional/erotic needs of another. The price submissives pay for the erotic charge from their submissiveness is the knowledge that they cannot possibly fulfill all of their partner's needs. The dominant/submissive dynamic, in other words is both limiting as it hopefully is liberating.

Submissives must accept these limits and support, even encourage, their partners to find erotic and emotional succor outside of their relationship. The female half of a female-led relationship may want some relief from playing the role of a Domme, just as surely as male submissives welcome a domestic alternative to their "top dog" status at work or in the community. She may want to be tied up and ravished, or treated as an equal rather than a goddess just for the change of pace.

A male submissive must accept that their very submissiveness is what may drive their partner to reach out to find emotional and erotic fulfillment in other relationships. Those submissives who are female supremacists and believe that women are inherently capable of a richer range of relationships than men may find this easier. In any event, the submissive must accept his partner's relationships with others. This is emotionally risky and very difficult, but it must be done.

4. Acceptance of Self

The starting (and ending) point of the discipline of acceptance is for the submissive to accept their orientation as a submissive. It is possible that some people are genetically predisposed to submissiveness. At a minimum, submissiveness likely stems from emotional and physical experiences that feel as profound as genetic imprinting.

A positive strategy for the submissive is to simply accept that one is submissive and focus on the quality of one's behavior. In other words, rather than waste time on pondering why one is submissive one should ask if one's behavior with self, partner and others is ethically sound and healthy. Am I communicating with my partner? Is my work good? Do my attempts to realize my fantasies lead me to unsafe behaviors? Am I really listening to what my partner is attempting to communicate? Questions like these are performance standards applicable to all people.

Once one's life is in some semblance of order it is possible to ask the question "why am I submissive." Each person's answer will be different. If that question is asked and answered within a framework of acceptance, however, we can be more assured that the answer will help us grow as human beings and not scare us to death.

2005-11-27T16:46:00.000-06:00

Wish Fulfillment

Here's a post from a frustrated submissive wanna-be:

I continue to stay shaved smooth in many places. I continue to offer Sarah all of the oral pleasure She can handle. I continue to try to be obedient. This, however, is difficult, as i am naturally rebellious and i need a strong woman to force me into line. Sarah still enjoys being penetrated by me, and i worry that She will not truly begin to feel Dominant as long as i'm allow inside Her and She remains unwilling to use a strap-on in me. I want to be Her male slave; i do not want to be Her man. Although She enjoys my penis and finds it to be quite satisfying, i want her to feel one attached to a man who will be a macho lover. That is not me. I am the one who can massage her, lick her, prep her, and clean her. I can put my head in the sling of a queening chair and please Her for hours. She deserves my complete submission, and my reduction in status to that of Her chattel slave, Her owned property. I think She deserves this, anyway, and it is certainly the sexual role for which i am hardwired as a human. I want for Her to have fabulous sex with a manly man while i wait for Her in my slave's cage. I want to hold and cuddle Her when he is gone. I want to make Her breakfast in the morning.

Here's my response:

I hope you keep posting. The struggle you describe is quite common. It seems to me that you can't force Sarah to be Dominant, however much you might want her to assume that role.

I think every man in your position has a choice: have the self-discipline to be submissive and obedient to a woman who does not fit your model of a Domme or continue to try to wheedle her into fulfilling your expectations of what a Domme should be. IMO the first approach is much harder but it is also a more authenic expression of your submissiveness than the latter approach.

For example, you just might have to express your submissiveness/obedience by giving up your wish to be penetrated and to stop penetrating her. Instead, you may have to focus on being a high-quality penetrative lover because that is what she wants.

Maybe over time and after you have demonstrated your true willingness to serve her in the fashion she wants she will be more willing to satisfy your kinks.

* * *
My experience is that the farther one's submissive desires deviate from the nature and interests of one's partner the less satisfying the relationship. Submission requires attention to the interests and desires of one's partner and not trying to make one's partner into something she is not. That is hard and may result in what seems to be little more than a loving, vanilla relationship. Over time, however, she will become accustomed to your service and may come to understand how pushing your BDSM buttons can maintain those benefits for herself. You must prove the sincerity of your submission and your submission must deliver some real-life benefits to one's partner. She needs the love and leisure time to reflect on the erotic possibilities inherent in your service.

2005-11-26T17:06:00.000-06:00

CUCKOLDING AND FEMALE-LED RELATIONSHIPS

The Power of Cuckolding

Cuckolding has a close and powerful association with female-led relationships. Cuckolding is, after all, a wife's assertion of her sexual freedom with partners other than her husband. (I'm using "wife" and "husband" to include non-married couples in committed relationships.) Her husband is aware of her sexual adventures but remains faithful to her, placing him in a subordinate position.

A whole literature has grown up around cuckolding. A central theme is the humiliation experienced by the cuckold. Cuckolds report that seeing their wives with their lovers sends them instantly into "subspace." There are many fictional or semi-fictional accounts of cuckolds serving drinks to their wife and her lover, providing oral service to the wife and/or wife's lover after they have completed their lovemaking, and so on. Often there is a rather distasteful racial component to cuckolding accounts, featuring well-endowed African-American "bulls," very white wives and wimpy cuckolds. The cuckolding literature seems unusually fevered, even by Internet standards.

Cuckolding clearly taps into primal emotions and fears that play well in Dominant/submissive settings. Yet, cuckolding in this traditional sense gets its power from outmoded patriarchal and racial stereotypes. The shame the cuckold feels, for example, is based on the notion that a strong man should not lose control of his property, namely, his wife. The shock of a married woman exploring her sexuality with other partners while her husband remains monogamous is because traditionally men were much freer to engage in extra-marital affairs than their wives. The trope of black bulls with superior cocks ravishing white women is straight out of the Bull Connor school of Southern erotic literature.

Female-led relationships upend these stereotypes and this begs the question--what role does cuckolding play in female-led relationships. I believe that in female-led relationships the female partner has the inherent authority to take on other lovers while her male partner remains pledged exclusively to her. While this is cuckolding as a technical matter, there can be far less humiliation and shame than with traditional cuckolding. This is because the notion of the woman as a free sexual creature is a given in female-led relationships. To put it another way, the cuckolded man in a female led relationship loses nothing because his female partner's fidelity was never his to own and control in the first place. Cuckolding thus need not be such a potent source of shame and humiliation.

This is not to say that cuckolding no longer poses emotional challenges in female led relationships. And this is not to say that couples may well chose to explore in word and deed the kinds of humiliation and transgressive eroticism associated with classical cuckoldry. But in female-led relationships cuckolding can also be expressed as a much less emotionally charged Monogamus/Polyamorous relationship, where the wife is polyamorous and her subordinate husband remains monogamous.

Cuckolding In Female-Led Relationships

Couples in female-led relationships have the freedom to find the most comfortable place for themselves on the spectrum that runs from the wild power of classical cuckolding to the less emotionally jarring Mono/Poly approach to no cuckolding at all. In a female-led relationship it is up to the wife to point the way to the most suitable place on that spectrum for the couple. For some couples, this might be a situation where the husband is held in long-term chastity, has limited access to his wife's body, and finds himself raising another man's child. For others, it may be enough for the wife to playfully note on occasion that she is free to "cheat" while her husband must remain faithful to her, even though the wife never moves beyond flirting with potential partners. Here are some cuckolding tips for males in female-led relationships to help them and their partners find the right place on that spectrum.

1. Cuckolding Is for Her

As reflected in the literature, all to often cuckolding is the product of male fantasy and the wife's interests and well-being are secondary, if considered at all. Many times it seems like the husband all but pimps his wife so he can reap the voyeuristic thrills of watching her be ravished by another man. Using emotional blackmail to force one's partner into sex is hardly the stuff of female-led relationships.

Instead, approach cuckolding slowly and gently. You must assume more chores and other responsibilities so she has the time and energy to even consider taking on other lovers. Commenting positively on her sensuality is important, as is stoking her erotic imagination by subtly encouraging to conjure up thoughts of other lovers.

Respect her decision if she chooses not to seek a lover (or three). Her life may be full enough right now and she might not wish to further complicate things with a new relationship. She also may not be convinced that you can handle the emotional challenges associated with being a cuckold. So, do what you can to make it possible for her to cuckold you, make known your wish that she consider exercising her right to take on other lovers and respect her decision whatever it is.

2. Be sure you are ready

Cuckolding changes everything about your relationship to your wife. Once a cuckold, always a cuckold. When she has crossed the threshold and no longer is your faithful wife you will have to deal with powerful feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. Consider carefully if you are ready to deal with these feelings before you encourage her to explore her erotic interests with other partners.

Cuckolding solidifies your subordinate position. She has substantial erotic prerogatives that you do not have. Cuckolding also forces you to face the fact that you don't satisfy all of her needs/desires. You must be prepared to acknowledge that her outside interest may be a better and more exciting lover and romantic partner than you. After all, you are the guy who folds her socks and he is the playmate with whom she can let off steam. Is your relationship strong enough that she will compartmentalize her love life and still invest time and energy into maintaining and strengthening your relationship. Are you an attractive enough person and lover so that she will want you to continue as her primary partner. There is inherent risk that cuckolding will result in her leaving you and you must fully understand and weigh that risk against the benefits of cuckolding.

So, imagine the strongest feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that you have felt with her. Multiply by 5. Can you handle it?

3. Support her in her journey

Cuckolding is scary for her too. She may have spent years out of the dating game and feel ill-equipped to navigate her way. She may be self-conscious about her body and looks and have doubts about her sexual attractiveness. She may fear rejection. It's nerve-wracking to start dating again.

What she doesn't need at this time is an emotionally demanding primary partner. You must do your best to deal with your fears on your own. Devote your energy to pumping up her ego and sense of sexual worth. Praise her beauty, compliment her on her loveliness, and let her know that you find her to be sexy and interesting.

Reassure her that you will continue to support her in her journey and make good on that promise. As she begins dating, you must be emotionally present, someone she can rely upon. Don't pull back emotionally or physically. She needs your support, especially if a lover dumps her or someone spurns her advances.

Do not get caught up in guessing games. If she makes passionate love with you right before or right after she visits a lover, don't torment her (or yourself) with questions such as "is she making love to me and using me as a surrogate for her lover." The truth is that women have ample reserves of erotic energy. Celebrate the generous share that she gives you rather than question its source.

4. Make it fun

Cuckoldry can be great fun. Get involved in grooming her for her dates. Trimming her pubic hair, for example, can be a very strong submissive experience when you know that in a few hours another man will be enjoying the scenery. Help her choose clothes. Better yet, go shopping with her for some sexy clothes that she can wear on dates. Get her an anklet that she can wear on her right ankle to signal that she is a hot wife. Bathe her and then rub her down with perfumed oils before her dates.

When she returns home, welcome her with open arms. Don't pry, but encourage her to describe her adventures. Hold and caress her, reassuring her that you love and support her and will always be there for her. In a wonderfully perverse way, cuckoldry can bring couples to a new level of intimacy.

5. Communicate

Cuckolding is a wonderful opportunity to deepen a female-led relationship. Use the process to share your deepest feelings of love. Be clear in your feelings but be sensitive and supportive of her always. Listen, share and learn. Most of all, follow her lead.

What's in Cuckolding for the Cuckold?

Despite its risks, cuckolding is a powerful way for the submissive man to deepen his submissiveness and strengthen his female-led relationship. Think of cuckolding as the flip side of chastity. Chastity involves holding back the man's erotic energy for the benefit of his Superior. Cuckolding involves freeing the female partner to expand her erotic life.

Chastity is more focused on the man--his cock, his orgasms, his need for release. His Superior certainly benefits from his chastity through improved service, but the man remains the central focus. Cuckolding, in contrast, empowers the woman. She has the power to choose whether and how to explore her erotic interests outside of her primary relationship. The cuckold is in much less control of the situation.

The loss of control inherent in cuckolding accounts for its transformative power for submissive men. It forces them to utilize deep reserves of trust and love to adjust to a subordinate position that may feel new and uncomfortable, at least at first. The cuckold must come face to face with a hard but strangely ennobling reality that his partner is in control of the situation. When cuckolding is added to a chastity regimen, the erotic foundation for a true female-led relationship has been laid.

It is very inspiring for a submissive man to have pledged himself to serve a sexually available and desirable woman. Isn't it an honor to serve a highly sexed woman? Isn't it a privilege that she continues to view you and your relationship as primary no matter how intense her outside affairs become.

Cuckolding is the black belt test of a female-led relationship.

2005-11-25T11:41:00.000-06:00

A brief introduction. I'm a Chicago-based professional in my late 40s. I've been married for 15 years. My wife is tall and lovely. She has her own business and is successful in her field. We have a son. We're a pretty typical urban professional family.

I've been submissive to women for just about forever. As I've aged, my fantasies have shifted from the classic image of the whip-cracking dominatrix to serving the woman I love--my wife.

My submissive orientation was extremely disruptive of our marriage for many years as I tried to fit my wife into a dominatrix role that she was unwilling to perform. She wanted a husband and not a slave and she was (and is) not interested in inflicting pain on her husband.

Several years ago I started afresh and decided to be submissive to my wife and not the dominatrix image that I had been trying to impose upon her. I started by holding myself in "chastity," having orgasms only in her presence. I began doing more around the house and I stopped pressuring her to be kinky. I trained myself to be more adept in following her lead in both running the household and in the bedroom. I finally understood that she wanted me to anticipate her needs rather than wait for her "orders."

Over time we reached a mutually acceptable state that has the following characteristics:

Chores: I take responsibility for an increasing share of household chores in order to free up her time for leisure and work. This is mostly drudge work, but does include giving her weekly massages and regular rubdowns after her baths.

Chastity: No orgasms except for those she allows. No exceptions and no bulky chastity belts to keep me honest.

Cuckold: I am monogamous. She is free to explore her erotic interests with others, and does. This is a challenging and profoundly rewarding part of my service to her.

Communication: We talk less and say much more than we once did. Rather than try to define every aspect of our relationship using the BDSM vocabulary, I try to do my best to serve her quietly and effectively. She responds knowingly by pushing my erotic buttons via "treats." When we talk it is from a starting point of mutual appreciation and respect rather than from a "you don't meet my needs" spot.

There certainly are other defining characteristics of a female-led relationship that might join these "Four Cs," such as having the dominant woman take full control of the family finances or some public acknowledgment that the woman is the dominant partner. I would like to hear and share your thoughts on what characteristics best define a healthy female-led relationship.